Tag Archives: humor

Doppelgänger

John Brenkus

A colleague stopped by today asked me if I knew who ESPN’s Sport Science host John Brenkus was?  I didn’t.  So he told me to go look him up at once on ESPN.  Apparently, he looks just like me.  Or I look just like him.  I dunno, he looks older than me, but setting that aside, I suppose I can see a vague resemblance. Then again (and contrary to what others might like to believe) I don’t spent a whole lot of time looking at myself, so I am poor judge of these things.  What do you think?

A proliferation of bathrooms

Nerd moment of the day:  I spent part of the afternoon today cleaning bathrooms.  In doing so, it occurred to me that bathrooms in the houses in which I have lived since summer 2002 have increased exponentially as a function to each move.  The chart below illustrates this:

I started with 1 bathroom when I lived in Maryland.  We moved up to 2 bathrooms when we moved to Arlington, Virginia.  When we bought our house, we moved up to 4 bathrooms.  The dotted, yellow bar is the projected number of bathrooms in our next house.  Cleaning four bathrooms is a chore enough; I don’t even want to think about eight.

Protected: More restoom antics

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Protected: Strange logics

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Ever have one of those days…

…when you don’t discover you put your boxers on backwards until you are standing in front of the urinal?  I’m not saying I’m having one of those days, I’m just sayin’…

Holy $#!+

In the November 1 issue of NEW SCIENTIST is an amusing review by Fred Pearce of a book called The Big Necessity by Rose George, which apparently is about the history of the toilet. I can’t give you a flavor of the one page review without quoting from it a few times:

The Big Necessity is the story of how we go to the toilet; it is the cultural, bacteriological, and psychological landscape of poo and pee.

Or how about this one:

The book contains a wealth of odd statistics. The average dump is 250 grams. The average American wipes him or herself with a staggering 57 sheets of toilet paper a day… and did you know the word "shit" has the same ancient root as the word science?

I like reading books on obscure subjects, but I’m not sure I’d be able to find this one in my local library.

Money laundering

Kelly does her laundry at my house every weekend. I find it amusing that when her laundry is finished there is always money sitting on my of the dryer. She has this tendency of leaving cash in her pockets. It ends up in the dryer. Then on the dryer. When you think about it, it’s unique savings plan.

My future interview with James Lipton

I might as well tell you that I have been to the future a time or two. This is one of the benefits of being first a science fiction fan, and second a member of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. As a fan, I traveled to the future through the hundreds of books and stories that I have read. As a SFWA member, I’ve had access to the time machine they keep for their members under lock and key in Schenectady. On one of my trips, I went to see myself interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio. (Apparently, around 2014, he runs out of actors and starts to interview writers of note.)

I won’t bore you with the whole interview. You know how these things go. (“We begin our class as we always do, at the beginning. Jamie, where were you born…?”, and so on.)

But I thought you might find the end of the interview interesting. And so here is the finale of my interview with James Lipton, which took will take place at Pace University on January 17, 2017.

JL: We begin our class with the questionnaire first used by the great French interviewer Bernard Pivot, Jamie, what’s your favorite word?

JTR: Mellifluous.

JL: What’s your least favorite word?

JTR: “Whatever”

JL: What turns you on?

JTR: A well-told story

JL: What turns you off?

JTR: Cigarettes

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

JTR: Thunder

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

JTR: Ringtones

JL: And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Jamie, what is your favorite curse word?

JTR: [bleep!]-er!

JL: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

JTR: Astronaut

JL: What profession would you not want to try?

JTR: Lawyer

JL: Finally, Jamie, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

JTR: “Bar’s in the back, library is just off to the left…”

JL: Here are your students…

Well, there you have it. Incidentally, Lipton never seems to give up those blue cards. I swear, 9 years from now, digital paper is everywhere and he insists on using those blue cards. Of course, they are 100% recyclable…

It’s a “date”

When they say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I always assumed that it was a symbol assignment (men being assigned to the god of War and woman being assigned to the goddess of love). Apparently it means something else.

I have recently learned for instance, that there are at least three kinds of dates.

1. A “sort-of” date

2. A date

3. A date date (always pronounced with emphasis on the first word)

When I type “date date” my spell-checker always underlines the second “date” because it thinks I am being redundant. I have yet to be given a definition of “sort-of” date and “date date” that makes any sense to me at all. Kelly has tried. Jess has tried. I’ve asked other people and gotten answers which I find as incomprehensible as macro economics.

Maybe its me.

Each time it comes up, I am reminded of the scene from the first season of The West Wing when Mallory asks Sam to the opera. Sam says, “You’re asking me on a date!” Mallory insists that she isn’t. Sam asks what distinguishes this from a date. To which Mallory response, “There will, under no circumstance, be sex for you at the end of the evening.”

While I don’t necessarily understand the definitions I have been given, I have a somewhat retentive memory and I can spit them back out verbatim. I therefore offer these definitions to anyone who might find them in a situation where they think they are on a date only to discover it was a “sort-of” date. Etc.

Sort-of date
(1) A date in which one of the two parties (usually not the one that is you) feels that the event is much less formal than an actual date; (2) A date in which one of the two parties (usually you), tell the other party that you’ll happen to be at Such and Such Bar at 9 PM, and if you (the other party) happen to show up there for a drink “that’d be cool”; (3) when one or both parties involved find out upon meeting that they are somehow related.
Date
(1) A pre-arrange event in which two people agree to meet at a particular time and place to enjoy one another’s company and explore the possibility of future encounters; (2) a “fix-up” (see also “sort-of date”)
Date date
(1) a one-night stand; (2) a one-hour stand; (3) a 15-minute stand (see also “He/she is so hot”)

These are the definitions that I was given. I repeat them word-for-word as they were given to me. Hopefully, this clears up a lot for you and provides you with an enlightened picture of the world.

Today’s Dilbert Blog

If nothing else, today’s Dilbert Blog has the kind of humor that is right up strausmouse‘s alley. No pun intended. When you read the post, you’ll understand why.

Simpsonize Me!

Thanks to Vicky of vickyandnorm for passing this along. This is what I would look like if I were a Simpson’s character:

You can also see what Vicky would look like.

What do you look like?