Observations from 36,000 ft

It is 10 PM Eastern time and I am sitting in seat 2B in the First Class cabin of United 307 from Baltimore, Maryland to Los Angeles, California. I have been sitting here for just shy of four hours and I have exactly two hours to go, if everything is on time. I am bored out of my mind. I thought I would take this opportunity to list some observations.

1. Looking around an airport terminal, you can always tell the most important people by the thickness of their cellular phones. The most important people have the thickest phones. They have to be thick to hold the extended life battery pack so that they can be on the phone all of the time. That’s how important they are.

1a. The most important people in the airport terminal also walk around with those ridiculous-looking BlueTooth headsets. This is a corrolary of #1 above.

2. There are two places in which it is particularly inconvenient to get a stomach ache: stuck in traffic, or stuck at 35,000 feet.

3. If you are ever stuck at 35,000 feet with a stomach ache and the flight attendant offers you an ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup and whipped cream, you should refuse it. Accepting the dish of ice cream only makes matters worse.

4. First Class on United is not what it used to be. The napkins used to be cloth. Now they are thick paper.

5. Most people who fly First Class on United have probably upgraded using miles or upgrade credits. No one in their right mind would actually pay for this.

6. I like airplane bathrooms. They bring out the claustrophillia in me.

7. On United, you can listen to air traffic control on channel 9 on your headset. On long flights like this, it seems that no matter how often I check air traffic control to see how we are progressing, we always seem to be somewhere over Kansas.

8. No one in First Class seem to be using laptops. However, everyone in coach seems to be working. I’m not sure what this says, but it seems somehow significant.

9. If there is so much more leg room in First Class, then why do my legs feel cramped up?

10. Laptop battery power decreases in inverse proportion to my level of boredom. As I get increasingly bored, my laptop seems to run–