Your Busty Gorgeous Neighbor

I received an email notification from SoundCloud that read as follows:

I am your busty gorgeous neighbor who you follow at the supermarket or watch her at the gym.

My spam filters are good and stuff like this rarely makes it into my inbox. I had to look up what SoundCloud was because I wasn’t sure why I would be getting notifications from it in the first place. Normally, when spam like this makes it into my inbox, I mark it as spam and delete it. But this one cracked me up, and not because I was trying to guess which busty gorgeous neighbor it might be.

How many of your neighbors would actually refer to themselves as “busty” or “gorgeous” for that matter? Most people, in my experience, are more modest about their looks, even if they believe they are both busty and gorgeous.

I doubt I followed any busty gorgeous neighbor at the supermarket. For one thing, I go grocery shopping early on Sunday mornings, usually before 7 am if I can manage. Any busty gorgeous neighbors I have are probably still sound asleep, wrapped in satin sheets atop their waterbeds.

The grocery store is empty on Sunday mornings at 7 am. The deli is barely open. The aisles are empty, save for the workers stocking the shelves. A busty gorgeous neighbor would stand out in an empty grocery store.

What really made me laugh was the boolean qualification and change in viewpoint in the last part of the message. First, I apparently followed my busty gorgeous neighbor either at the grocery store or I watch her at the gym. What are the chances that two neighbors would end up at the same gym at the same time in a large metropolitan area. Also, my gym membership lapsed nearly a decade ago, and I am hard pressed to recall the last time I stepped into a gym.

Then there is a that strange change in view-point. The message started out in the first person (“I am your busty gorgeous neighbor who…”) but at the end, changes viewpoint (“…who you follow at the supermarket or watch her at the gym”). I would think the message would read, “I am your busty gorgeous neighbor who you follow at the supermarket or watch at the gym.” And I’d replace that “or” with an “and.” In the end, the message should read: “I am your busty gorgeous neighbor who you follow at the supermarket and watch at the gym.”

But that still isn’t right. The two adjectives sound awkward. Strunk & White tell us to omit needless words. Well, either busty or gorgeous is redundant. Gorgeous is too generic. One can be gorgeous without being busty. I’d therefore stick with the more specific phrasing so that we end up with, “I am your busty neighbor who you follow at the supermarket and watch at the gym.”

The message came with a link to a website I didn’t recognize, and you are not supposed to click on unfamiliar links from strangers, even if that stranger is a busty gorgeous neighbor, so I can’t say where the link might have taken me. Maybe the supermarket? Or the gym?